A Stethoscope on the Doorknob
by DJTCluva
Summary: The real reason for House's stethoscope-on-the-doorknob stunt in "Safe".


**A Stethoscope on the Doorknob**

**Summary:** A What If? fic regarding the episode _Safe_ and House's real reason for letting Wilson sit outside. House/Cuddy.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own House--not the characters, storyline, or even the theme song. Don't sue me.

"I've really got to go now, House." She said, grabbing her purse off of the couch. "I shouldn't have even been here in the first place. You have work to do."

"Sex helps me think!" He exclaimed, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards him. She could feel one of his hands gripping her ass, the other was snaking its way up her shirt. Her heart beat wildly against her chest despite herself. "Plus, I did some work before you got here. I just have to find a link between heart failure and anaphylactic shock."

"Well you better get on that." She said, small hands pushing her body away from his bare chest. "You got your sex. Now you can quit picturing me naked and figure out what's wrong with this girl."

A part of her felt dirty—a girl was dying, and she was sleeping with the only doctor who might be able to save her. But House was insatiable and persistent—he had been dogging her all day, and she knew he wouldn't stop bothering her until she came over. She needed his mind on the case, and the only way she could fathom accomplishing that was to satisfy him so he could move on.

Not that she minded, really.

She slipped her purse over her shoulder, and moved towards the door. She made sure to keep her gaze straight ahead—a look into his eyes and she would lose her momentum.

"Wait!" Spiked heels halted, as she turned hesitantly towards him. "I…wouldn't open that door if I were you."

Her stomach dropped, and she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"What did you do, House?"

"I didn't DO anything." He limped over to her, both hands shoved in his pockets. "It's just…Wilson might be out there. You wouldn't want to take that risk."

"Wilson…might…be out there." She said slowly, tilting her head upwards and glaring at him. She knew him long enough to know when he was guilty of something. Having been his boss for so long, she considered herself somewhat of an expert on the subject.

"Wilson…is…out there."

She frowned, dropped her purse, and moved towards the front window. She parted the curtain slightly and peered outside. Sitting on the steps outside of House's building she saw a weary and dejected Wilson, twirling his tie absentmindedly and tapping his foot on the cement.

"House!" She whispered angrily. "How long has he been out there?"

"I don't know…an hour or two?"

"You said he was reconciling with his wife! You said he would be gone all night!"

He shrugged.

"I lied."

"Why hasn't he come in? He's living with you, isn't he?"

"We have a system. I put a stethoscope on the doorknob."

"What are you, 19?" She smacked his chest angrily. "This isn't college anymore, House. You can't just sexile your best friend."

He grinned wickedly.

"Would you rather have invited him in? I'm all for experimenting with a threesome, but I'd prefer our third person to be dickless. Don't be fooled by the blow-dryer in the bathroom, Wilson—"

"House! Shut up!" She said furiously, scooping her purse up off of the floor. "Do you know the position this puts me in? What we're doing…how am I supposed to explain that?"

"I knew this wasn't about Wilson's feelings! You're worried about your reputation!" He shouted, pointing accusingly.

"Yes I'm worried about my reputation! I'm the Dean of Medicine! And you're a misanthropic pain in the ass, the biggest liability in my hospital!" One manicured finger pressed into his bare chest, and he took a step backwards, raising his hands in surrender. "This is not the right time to let this out, House. This is not the right situation. You have a patient! This is completely unprofessional."

"Relax. You can go out the bedroom window. Your virginity will never be doubted."

Sarcasm, she thought, sighing. That's all she needed right now. She put her hands on her hips, and glared at him again.

"I'm not 14, House. I'm not creeping out the bedroom window and praying Mom and Dad don't find out."

"14? Wow. Impressive. I take it the twins made an early appearance, then."

"I swear to God, if you don't get me out of this house right now, you'll be doing double clinic duty for a month. And no more sex."

He said nothing, but nodded his head towards the bedroom.

"See you at school tomorrow Lisa."

With a groan of frustration, she stormed past him and into the bedroom, just missing the smirk he threw towards her back.

"You weren't by any chance a cheerleader, were you?"

**Review, if you'd like.**


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